h e a r t ?

within the last two months, two people who i hold dear have told me two separate things about my heart that i didn't know before.

genna, a girl who i've known, hated and love has always been someone to call when i need someone to objectively look at my life and tell me the things i need to hear while still providing the judgment free listening that everyone needs every so often.

after the last shredding, genna flat out told me that i wear my heart on my sleeve. something that no one has ever blatantly pointed out to me before. and she's right. I love the feeling of being loved, but really, who doesn't? She told me i need to start leaving my guard up for longer periods of time and that the only way i wasn't going to get hurt was to stop trying so hard.

this same idea was later confirmed by tracy. i think what few people realize is how long tracy and i have been friends. on and off since basically 7th or 8th grade, Tracy manages to know parts of me better than i know myself. she herself has said that i'm trying too hard to find happiness based on how another person feels about me. She's was inevitably right, though I hate to admit it. So I stopped dating, when that happened. I stopped actively pursuing people who i thought i had some romantic interest in.

Now cut to last night, we're in the car, talking about random things that come to mind. Enjoy the Monday night feel of the ride we're taking. after a long stream of conversations it comes out that i take everything to heart. how is it possible that all of my downfalls are related so closely to the one thing i try to nurture as often and as wholly as possible.

i take everything to the heart i wear on my sleeve.

so i've set up a challenge for myself. Starting April 1, I will be cutting off contact with any guy I may or may not be remotely interested in for 30 days. I want to take the entire month of April to teach myself how to not think with my heart so much as opposed to thinking with my brain.

a whole thirty days, no men, no hook ups, no dates, no phone calls. nothing. i don't want to think about my heart or about love for an entire month.

might as well start using this thing for something useful... y'know, other than dinosaur dubbing and IM conversations between friends and i at 3 in the morning.

done.