lost: childhood/wreckless years REWARD IF FOUND

I'm accomplished. I'm smart and capable. I finished college in three years. All my friends are older than I am. I'm mature. I'm distinguished. I went to a good school and I'll probably go to an even better grad school.

So why am I so bummed?

I feel like this is the time in my life where I should be going crazy. Being wreckless. And while it's not exactly in my character to be any of those things I still feel like I'm owed that.

Last year at this time my whole world was falling apart. Everything I was sure of and all the plans I had made dissolved. I can't manage to get that plaguing doomsday feeling out of my system. I don't know how. As soon as I was finished with thanksgiving dinner this year, part of me knew that the downfall was going to begin.

At the same time last year, while the world was falling out from under my feet there were things that I was sure of. I was a college senior at a distinguished university. I had a plethora of friends. I had plans on the weekend.

Now I wear trouser socks and carry a blackberry. On more than one occasion I have given my business card to someone as a reference to get in touch with me. I go to bars and order things like vodka tonics as opposed to the two dollar PBR that I had grown so accustomed to last year.

I want my teen years back. And fast. I want to wake up at seven o'clock on a wednesday, pull back the curtains in the 5th street mansion and decide that it was too nice of a day to spend the whole day in class. I miss writing term papers seven hours before they're due and waiting till the last possible second to put together a lesson plan to kids I only knew in forty five minute intervals. I don't want to worry about car payments or auto insurance. I don't want to have to get my pants hemmed.

Today was freak out day. Which was caused by a series of accidents on my behalf. I don't understand how someone who is qualified can be such an idiot. The work I do isn't hard but it's tedious and at times boring. I'm constantly looking for the next exciting thing and it's not wrapped up in office gossip or going to the GAP to buy replacement khakis. It's out there and I'm getting closer to figuring out how to obtain it, it's just taking forever.

The other night while in Delaware, M has ran out to get cigarettes. I stayed at the house and hung out. Played video games, smoked, ate apples. I got restless. So I took a pack of cigarettes, a lighter and my cell phone (left my camera at home -- stupidly) and left. That feeling... That feeling was exciting. Leaving and not answering to anyone. I just walked around and around, getting lost in the maze of the community the house is in. I saw cranes and frogs and the reflection of the moon on the bay. Everything was clear, no clouded thoughts, just tranquil. Perfect.

M called while I was out and we proceeded to engage in the best game of hide and seek I've ever played. Me hiding, her seeking. Running through yards, acting like a 12 year old on a tuesday night in july. It was perfect. I want to take that feeling, bottle it and take it with me so that on days like today I can pour some out and feel better.

<3 wifey

me (12:28:52 AM): i don't get you

tracy (12:29:34 AM): for why

me (12:30:10 AM): for because

tracy (12:30:33 AM): you lover me

me (12:31:39 AM): yeah

me (12:31:56 AM): you're like god's way of tellingme i'm going to die from a heart attack

tracy (12:32:37 AM): WHAT!?

tracy (12:32:51 AM): thats probably

tracy (12:33:00 AM): the meanest thing anyone has ever said to me

tracy (12:33:07 AM): I'm glad it ccame from yopu

me (12:33:53 AM): hahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha

one of the top ten reasons i absolutely adore maggie....

tonight maggie and i spent the night hanging out, going on a scary blunt ride and then went home to go to sleep.

after saying good night and going through our routines for bed, i finally get a chance to lay down and listen to my itunes and respond to emails, and all of a sudden, this IM box pops up...

m’gay (12:57:52 AM): so this one time, it was like 5 am and i was like, i don't have to wake up until 8- so i decided to go back to sleep.

m’gay (12:58:01 AM): but

m’gay (12:58:29 AM): i wanted to play with my dog on my phone, or at least make it happy for three hours

m’gay (12:59:54 AM): so i brought the son of a bitch to the beach, thinking it wouldn't mind me ignoring it cause it had that other dog to play with

m’gay (1:00:21 AM): i turn the game off at eight, and go to check on it mid day

m’gay (1:01:00 AM): the stupid cunt not only hates me by this time but is also really sick, hungry and dehydrated.

m’gay (1:01:51 AM): so i had to spend like an hour tryna get this thing to like of enough to not shit in my house, but also

m’gay (1:02:40 AM): healthy enough that i could bring it outside without dying on me. i hate it.

m’gay (1:03:48 AM): it was truly depressing

m’gay (1:04:09 AM): in more ways then one.

RE: New York mulls $1,000 fine for feeding pigeons

Monday, November 12, 2007

Feed Pigeons Alka-Seltzer Day! Current mood: enraged Category: sarcastic News and Politics In the near future if this stupid law passes, I propose that we have a day of throwing alka-seltzer pills all over the streets of New York City (most likely 5th or city hall...someplace where the suits are). They said they want to get rid of the pigeons in New York City...They said they will employ hawks and bird birth control to help rid the whole city of these ugly stupid creatures (rats with wings I always said). So lets help them out...There is nothing like hundreds of exploding pigeon carcass filling the streets of New York. What would you rather have city council: people wasting bread on dumb birds who other then roaches, mice ,and the crappy animals in the central park zoo are about the only wildlife we have in the city OR a mass pigeon genocide and a down poor of flesh?...We can solve your problems! Also wouldn't introducing hawks have some kind of negative effect as well? What if the Hawks got horny and fucked up a storm? Then we'd have birds of prey all over the fucking city...I think pigeons are much less harmful. Imagine hawks swooping down at a stupid little prissy lap dog because they mistake it for a pigeon or rat (which they really are). Funny thing is that actually happened, a hawk attacked a Chihuahua the last time they tried this shit in NYC. It hasn't worked in London and good luck to LA for trying their pigeon contraceptive soon...They should be focusing on not allowing Britney Spears and others to produce offspring first! -Adam

New York mulls $1,000 fine for feeding pigeons

NEW YORK (Reuters) - A New York City lawmaker wants to declare war on the city's pigeons and says he will not be dissuaded by the difficulties faced by London and Venice in ridding themselves of the ubiquitous birds.

City Councilman Simcha Felder on Monday called on the city to levy a fine of as much as $1,000 (490 pounds) on people feeding pigeons, distribute bird contraceptives, and employ hawks to scare the birds away.

He also suggested appointing a "pigeon czar" to orchestrate the fight, a plan that has ruffled the feathers of animal lovers.

"Cities are lifeless places. People don't appreciate the fact that we have some wildlife," said Al Streit, director of The Pigeon People, an organization that rescues injured birds.

Felder said he doesn't expect to rid the city of pigeons but that it was time to combat what he called a public health hazard.

Felder said pigeons and their droppings are host to several severe communicable diseases, though a report released by his office noted that cases "are rare and the threat is often exaggerated."

London has outlawed feeding pigeons in Trafalgar Square and brought in trained hawks to kill them. But pigeons still flock to the square, and Mayor Ken Livingston has come under fire for the program's high cost.

Venice is trying to stop the sale of bird seed in St. Mark's Square and prevent pigeons from chipping away at marble statues and buildings. Licensed bird feed sellers do not want to go and animal rights activists have also expressed concern.

This summer, Los Angeles said it would introduce a pigeon contraceptive called OvoControl P to reduce the population.

"The fact is that people have been disgusted and annoyed," said Felder, adding that he frequently dodges pigeon droppings at his Brooklyn subway station. "I might as well say that I'm sick and tired of it."

This isn't the first time New York City has tried to control its pigeon population. In 2003, a hawk was briefly employed to scare pigeons in a Manhattan park but the program was a abandoned a few months later after the hawk attacked a Chihuahua.

Hearings on Felder's plan may be called before the end of the year.

i love you

scarletapex: you're seeking adventure?
arsxnic kiss: i am!
arsxnic kiss: aren't you?
scarletapex: I am seeking money
scarletapex: hense.. work
arsxnic kiss: I KNOW WHAT YOU DO AT WORK NOW
scarletapex: oh?
scarletapex: and whats that
arsxnic kiss: you spend a good portion of the time lying to me about what you do at work mixed in with facebook and myspace updates
scarletapex: you have me all figured out
arsxnic kiss: yup
scarletapex: I'm glad someone does
scarletapex: dude
scarletapex: Aaron doesnt have internet access
arsxnic kiss: what!?
scarletapex: I know!
scarletapex: how am I supposed to download my porn now
arsxnic kiss: fuck knows

fresh kill

the smell of formaldehyde has been following me all morning.

this makes me only a little bit nervous.

i've been really nostalgic lately and i think that's why, in part for other reasons, i haven't been "blogging" much.

sometimes working in midtown makes me feel like i've sold out. most of the time i feel like i don't fit in. i can wear the glasses, flaunt the purse, use the language that the people i work with use and i can put on a pretty good display of character but when i'm walking around outside i feel like the world's biggest faker. like i'm the new kid on the block and that all of these big wigs outside on 5th ave can see right through me.

the other day i got so upset while outside walking around that i actually started to get choked up. i want so terribly to go back to school and be with people i can objectively say i fit in with (even when i don't) and feel better about the decisions i've made. i should have signed up to go to grad school right away. maybe not even law school but some sort of school. something to pass the time instead of working.

don't get me wrong, i've learned to love it here. the people have grown on me and it's slowly becoming a highly dysfunctional family but i don't feel the same glow i felt while i was at school, walking around Manhattan like i owned the city. staying up late, drinking beers on the weekday, writing papers, and pushing through the bullshit assignments. taking classes that i knew weren't going to impact the rest of my life but at least they were somewhat interesting. at least i had friends in those classes who i could rely on to watch my back and to make sure i wasn't really screwing anything up. as opposed to the real world when they don't tell you until you have screwed up and in which case they grind the idea of how badly you've manage to foil any "well and thought through" plans they may have had.

i miss school. and Washington Square Park and that whole little envelope of society down there. i miss the hassle of getting on the subway to do things, i miss the shitty student teaching locations and the fact that i could get away with such bad behavior because i was an NYU student who was bound to be successful and no world could limit me and the things i could do.

i miss the cafeteria and eating in kimmel, paying more for a sandwich there then i do now. i miss eating up on the top floor of that building and just staring into the buildings, the empire state building, all of that. now, when i look out my window, i see the empire state building, and i can eat lunch at the cathedral and i could, essentially, go ice skating in Rockefeller's center but, it's not the same. it seems played down now that the excitement is gone and that every morning i know my alarm clock is going to go off at 6:50, 7:00 and 7:05, and that i'm going to have to be out of the house by 7:45 in order to catch my train and the walk from grand central to the office is only 4 minutes long and that when i get up into my office that everything will start again the same way it did yesterday.

i need to find some way to break the monotony, because i feel like it's going to drive me nuts. maybe once i've started up on my lsat class i'll feel better about the whole thing but i'm not sure... you've got to think that something new and getting on the right path to continue my education is going to help, but i'm not so convinced.

anyone have a time machine?

well...

me (12:02:31 AM): do you think if you offer your soul to the devil it works?!

me (12:04:51 AM): adam! this is life or death!

adam (12:09:17 AM): i definitely wouldn't mess around with that type of stuff. I don't think i believe in a devil per say, but who knows

adam (12:10:01 AM): i knew someone who sold their sole to someone else for a beer. they did get really drunk and sick that night

me (12:10:36 AM): i'm so conflicted

adam (12:10:28 AM): coincidence probably

adam (12:10:30 AM): why?

me (12:10:59 AM): because i want something so bad that i'm considering whether or not i could do this

adam (12:11:53 AM): i dunno...it is your sole

adam (12:12:24 AM): if there is an afterlife i dunno how fun being satan's slave would be

adam (12:12:27 AM): but

me (12:12:47 AM): i think you're probably logical

adam (12:12:38 AM): there might not be an afterlife.

adam (12:14:38 AM): and then you could have what you want on earth. but that would not make sense. what would be the point of selling your sole if the devil got nothing in return

me (12:16:36 AM): maybe i shouldn't do this

adam (12:16:49 AM): is it something really important and personal?

me (12:18:27 AM): no

me (12:18:33 AM): i didn't go to work today

me (12:18:44 AM): and i got to goof around with my friends and just hang out

me (12:19:05 AM): and i've decided i need to go back 2 years and completely relieve them so that i can have more fun lazy time

me (12:20:19 AM): or do something differently

adam (12:20:06 AM): i completely wished that the other day

me (12:20:28 AM): so let's just do it

adam (12:20:15 AM): but i didnt really wish it

adam (12:20:23 AM): like ask anyone to do it

adam (12:20:29 AM): like god or satan

adam (12:20:30 AM): yea

adam (12:21:24 AM): well that would be something worthwhile to devote time to learn physics and make a time machine

me (12:22:04 AM): yeah. that's possible

me (12:22:07 AM): but what's quicker.

adam (12:21:55 AM): i cant even understand algebra so id just be clueless

adam (12:21:56 AM): yea

adam (12:22:03 AM): the devil could help

me (12:22:28 AM): plus how long would it feasibly taketo make this thing

adam (12:22:15 AM): if you knew where to find said person

adam (12:22:21 AM): thats the hardest part

me (12:22:36 AM): 2 more years?

me (12:22:40 AM): then i have to go back 4?

adam (12:22:35 AM): well probably our whole lives

adam (12:22:54 AM): but we could go back...assuming the world wasnt destroyed by war

adam (12:23:09 AM): plus it would change the course of history

me (12:23:40 AM): exactly

me (12:25:54 AM): that's why

adam (12:25:43 AM): its a good question though.

me (12:26:01 AM): if i do it now, it will have the least effect

adam (12:26:19 AM): well the problem is that you'd need to find this devil

adam (12:26:26 AM): or sign with your blood...

me (12:26:58 AM): can't i just announce it

me (12:27:09 AM): just say it passionately into the dark of night

adam (12:27:07 AM): http://www.dpjs.co.uk/sell.html

adam (12:27:18 AM): amazing

adam (12:27:34 AM): i bet that you can email your sole

me (12:27:59 AM): hehe you looked this up

me (12:28:02 AM): the internet is AMAZING.

adam (12:30:02 AM): it truly is

adam (12:30:07 AM): fuck this it takes hours

me (12:30:34 AM): i can find 2 hours to spare

me (12:31:59 AM): the big question from the weekend was "if you could have any super power in the world, what would i be"

me (12:32:04 AM): and i haven't thought of a good one yet

adam (12:31:52 AM): it just sounds like a bad idea....

adam (12:31:55 AM): hmmm

adam (12:31:56 AM): yea

adam (12:32:12 AM): i cant come up with a good one either

adam (12:33:23 AM): maybe to be able to have the powers of jesus

me (12:34:01 AM): you'd make an excellent 2nd coming

me (12:34:06 AM): but then think how stressful that'd bee

me (12:34:18 AM): you really have to think every aspect out

adam (12:34:28 AM): i wouldnt make it stressful

adam (12:34:41 AM): it seems like jesus was pretty relaxed

me (12:35:01 AM): ah yeah

me (12:35:03 AM): till the end

adam (12:34:49 AM): even till the end

adam (12:35:13 AM): at least he was a good sport about it all

me (12:35:33 AM): hahah

me (12:35:34 AM): yeah

adam (12:37:26 AM): im sure u can think of something

adam (12:37:35 AM): whats the first thing that comes to mind when you think of that

me (12:38:01 AM): what do you mean

me (12:38:04 AM): oh

me (12:38:05 AM): flying

me (12:38:11 AM): but i've ruled that out

me (12:38:28 AM): so maybe the ability to regenerate and regenerate other things

me (12:39:26 AM): or shape shift

me (12:39:28 AM): i have so many!

me (12:39:32 AM): i guess i couldn't really pick one

adam (12:39:54 AM): the power of healing and regeneration seems really cool

me (12:41:34 AM): it does

me (12:41:53 AM): does having a super power mean you live forever?

me (12:41:54 AM): no right?

adam (12:42:16 AM): nah

adam (12:42:18 AM): maybe

adam (12:42:27 AM): i dunno superman died mad times

adam (12:42:34 AM): but he is still alive

me (12:43:21 AM): he was really more of an alien though wasn't he?

me (12:44:19 AM): i want to go away

adam (12:46:13 AM): where?

adam (12:46:18 AM): yea he was an alien

me (12:46:36 AM): somewhere warm

adam (12:46:31 AM): it would be cool if aliens came

me (12:46:49 AM): for 2 weeks

adam (12:46:36 AM): for real

adam (12:46:39 AM): yea

me (12:46:54 AM): for serios is true

adam (12:46:43 AM): that sounds amazing

me (12:46:58 AM): what would you do?

me (12:47:14 AM): i'd try and catch a look at them first, then decide

adam (12:47:53 AM): yea, if they were cool id definitely go to there planet or wherever and become a celebrity among them

me (12:48:25 AM): it would belike that if you went to japan

adam (12:48:49 AM): yea, ive always said Japanese are like aliens

adam (12:49:04 AM): i think they based some of that on the japanese actually

me (12:49:28 AM): i don't doubt it

adam (12:49:15 AM): 1950 was after pearl harbot

adam (12:49:24 AM): so people were paranoid about another attack

adam (12:49:39 AM): ufos and the strange small grey things

adam (12:49:47 AM): the eyes are kinda too wide though

adam (12:50:06 AM): but none the less i see a resemblance

me (12:50:38 AM): that's so sad

me (12:50:44 AM): and racist

me (12:50:53 AM): not you

me (12:51:00 AM): but the whole idea

adam (12:50:49 AM): yea

adam (12:50:59 AM): exactly

me (12:51:16 AM): you've just blown my mind

adam (12:51:09 AM): i blew my own mind