I'm accomplished. I'm smart and capable. I finished college in three years. All my friends are older than I am. I'm mature. I'm distinguished. I went to a good school and I'll probably go to an even better grad school.
So why am I so bummed?
I feel like this is the time in my life where I should be going crazy. Being wreckless. And while it's not exactly in my character to be any of those things I still feel like I'm owed that.
Last year at this time my whole world was falling apart. Everything I was sure of and all the plans I had made dissolved. I can't manage to get that plaguing doomsday feeling out of my system. I don't know how. As soon as I was finished with thanksgiving dinner this year, part of me knew that the downfall was going to begin.
At the same time last year, while the world was falling out from under my feet there were things that I was sure of. I was a college senior at a distinguished university. I had a plethora of friends. I had plans on the weekend.
Now I wear trouser socks and carry a blackberry. On more than one occasion I have given my business card to someone as a reference to get in touch with me. I go to bars and order things like vodka tonics as opposed to the two dollar PBR that I had grown so accustomed to last year.
I want my teen years back. And fast. I want to wake up at seven o'clock on a wednesday, pull back the curtains in the 5th street mansion and decide that it was too nice of a day to spend the whole day in class. I miss writing term papers seven hours before they're due and waiting till the last possible second to put together a lesson plan to kids I only knew in forty five minute intervals. I don't want to worry about car payments or auto insurance. I don't want to have to get my pants hemmed.
Today was freak out day. Which was caused by a series of accidents on my behalf. I don't understand how someone who is qualified can be such an idiot. The work I do isn't hard but it's tedious and at times boring. I'm constantly looking for the next exciting thing and it's not wrapped up in office gossip or going to the GAP to buy replacement khakis. It's out there and I'm getting closer to figuring out how to obtain it, it's just taking forever.
The other night while in Delaware, M has ran out to get cigarettes. I stayed at the house and hung out. Played video games, smoked, ate apples. I got restless. So I took a pack of cigarettes, a lighter and my cell phone (left my camera at home -- stupidly) and left. That feeling... That feeling was exciting. Leaving and not answering to anyone. I just walked around and around, getting lost in the maze of the community the house is in. I saw cranes and frogs and the reflection of the moon on the bay. Everything was clear, no clouded thoughts, just tranquil. Perfect.
M called while I was out and we proceeded to engage in the best game of hide and seek I've ever played. Me hiding, her seeking. Running through yards, acting like a 12 year old on a tuesday night in july. It was perfect. I want to take that feeling, bottle it and take it with me so that on days like today I can pour some out and feel better.
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