happy, happy, joy, joy

antidepressants have always reminded me of that ren & stimpy episode when stimpy puts that hat on ren and the listen to that stupid fucking song over and over again.

the one part that stick out in my mind particularly, or one that i thought of this morning on the train for whatever reason, was the fact that when ren put the hat on, his lips were forced into a smile and you could hear it happening... like when the tin man was getting loosened up once dorothy found his oil can.

i see pictures of myself when i started zoloft 2 years ago and i look like a fucking zombie and it's almost as if the pills themselves were making me smile in a forced and squeaky way.

i've been restless lately... and worrying a lot. the few times i've taken ritalin i've felt great... really focused on the task at hand and not worrying about whether or not moving in with erle is a good idea, so soon in the relationship. because i do want to move in with him and instead of just letting myself accept the fact that i'm happy, i've got to sit here at work and fucking process everything. how do i get myself on those pills legally? can i?

maybe i should just let my head figure these things out.

i'm going to promise myself (and the internetz) something right now and that is that i'm not going to just sit on this blog and piss and moan about ridiculous things. i do that enough... and this'll be the last post of this nature.

peace.

SO...

I'm a woman of words. I appreciate them, engulf myself in them more times than not & am constantly looking to improve upon them. Right now, for instance, I'm reading what I already wrote and wondering if I could have said it a different way.

I'm obsessed with words.

That's better.

I prefer to avoid characterizing myself as a woman. Is that weird? Anatomically, obviously, that's what I am but I have a hard time using that particular adjective/noun (there has to be a part of speech that counts for both, right?) to describe myself. It's abundantly clear that I am no feminist as I'd rather be referred to as a girl or broad or chick or any other synonym describing female gender. Weird.

I'm obsessed with words. And repetition to prove a point apparently. I try to choose my words carefully and, often, it doesn't work out the way I'd like it to. I tend to make things too complicated. This is applicable to everything in my life not just words.

Let's refocus.

Lately I've noticed that TACT is something that is dramatically missing from people's genetics. There are a few words you should never use to begin a sentence. "Because", "anyway" and most recently, and perhaps the one that irritates me the most is, "so".

"So, what's up?"
"So, how was your day?"
"So, what are you doing?"
"So, why are you in a bad mood?"
"So, did you finish the project or not?"

There is something about "so" that indicates your blatant disinterest or expectance of some sort of excuse. It's probably the most amateur way of transitioning conversation. If you want to know something, let's not lead in with "so" but instead, be direct. Be confident in your queries.

"What's up?" Well, I'm in a shitty mood that I can get out of.

"How's your day?" See previous statement.

"What are you doing?" Well presently I'm on the train going home. If my eyes could shoot lasers the first person I'd aim at would be the asscock next to me who insists on reading the paper and elbowing me (see previous tact comment).

You see? Look how much more prone I am to give you a civil and clear cut answer.

Amazing, isn't it?

Also NPR announced that 24 words were being retired. This confuses me. How can you retire a word? Its a scary thought, I think.

I'll post the words later. Be sure to listen to my conversational dialect for them. And you can be damn sure I'll start using them in written word before they're officially mercy killed.

good grief.

i don't write anymore & i should.

problem is, i'm usually so unmotivated to do anything that derives from some source of creativity that i often forget that i should write more & i don't.

cyclical, huh?

circles & i have never really gotten along it seems. i'm not one for repetition & that's all circles do. don't feed me that bullshit about how a circle never ends & how poetic & romantic that is.

circles go round & round in the same spot forever.

things with me have been good.

i'd venture to say great, even, if i weren't in some weird mood. i just watched seven pounds with will smith & now i want to jump off of something high. that movie was a fucking buzz kill.

anyway, i just wanted to say that i'm going to make an effort to write more.

you know, because i should.

you say i don't write about you

but the truth of the matter is, every love song ever written has already said exactly how i feel & it seems a waste to say it any other way.

-------

I'm, I'm so in love with you
Whatever you want to do
Is alright with me
'Cause you make me feel, so brand new
And I want to spend my life with you

Me sayin' since, baby, since we've been together
Ooo, loving you forever
Is what I need
Let me, be the one you come running to
I'll never be untrue
Ooo baby

Let's, let's stay together
Loving you whether, whether
Times are good or bad, happy or sad

Oooo oooo ooo ooo, yeah
Whether times are good or bad, happy or sad

Why somebody, why people break up
Oh, and turn around and make up
I just can't seeeeeeeee
You'd never do that to me
(Would you baby)
'Cause being around you is all I see
It's why I want us to

Let's, let's stay together
Loving you whether, whether
Times are good or bad, happy or sad

Let's, let's stay together
Loving you whether, whether