I think I'm going crazy...

"Panic attacks are very sudden, discrete periods of intense anxiety, mounting physiological arousal, fear, stomach problems and discomfort that are associated with a variety of somatic and cognitive symptoms"

What this should say is, "panic attacks are when your heart feels like it's going to explode & you become certain that you'll die of a heart attack."

For the last week, I've had the worst heart burn I've ever had in my entire life. I never get heart burn, so I suppose that statement isn't saying a lot. All I know is that it doesn't matter what I eat or don't eat, I still manage to feel my heart burning by the end of the day. I'm fairly certain an ulcer is developing because all my brain does is say, "hey fuck up, good job getting fired, enjoy collecting unemployment because you're destined to stay on it forever."

I am someone who had plans & goals. I should stop sounding so definitive. I AM someone who has plans & goals; unfortunately, they've all been put on hold for the time being.

I want to stop feeling so sorry for myself but I can't seem to help it. I want to say I'm chilled out & laid back but the truth of the matter is, I'm only that way in the presence of one other person & I think it's incredibly unfair for all of that responsibility to be put on one person.

Right now I'm trying to focus on my breathing in order to get this out & to relax but it's not working. Typically when these bouts with panic happen, I smoke a cigarette & take a bath. I've done that, I'm still shaking. I took Ruby for a long walk (please note the time of this post) & tried to breathe again but nothing is working, it seems. So now I'm writing, to the endless world of the internet in hopes that someone out there can be certain to say that I'll be all right.

I know I could call & wake you up, but it's not fair. You work all day & harder than I ever have & you deserve a night off. I love you, but it's true.

My fears include the following:
- I won't recover from this
- I won't move into the next exciting chapter of my life
- I won't find the fulfillment I'm ultimately looking for

I keep telling myself I hated that fucking job, because I really did. I never want to feel like I'm someone's bitch & that is exactly what I was at that job. Except instead of being one person's bitch, I was the bitch to 55 attorneys, 10 secretaries & an entire staff of people, some of whom aren't worth the ground my dog shits on, & yet I wish I were waking up at 8AM tomorrow to get on the 8:40 train into the office.

So maybe it's not the job that I miss, but instead, the routine & security.

Not maybe, certainly.

I just want the blows to my ego to stop because in my head, I feel like I'm going mad. All of this time I've spent building myself up & making sure that no one ever made me feel like I was worthless (yeah, that's right, throw back to the last time this happened but on a more personal scale -- who's reaching now, bitch!) but here I am again.

Feeling worthless.

tomorrow, and tomorrow, and tomorrow

Creeps in this petty pace from day to day,
To the last syllable of recorded time;
And all our yesterdays have lighted fools
The way to dusty death. Out, out, brief candle!
Life's but a walking shadow, a poor player,
That struts and frets his hour upon the stage,
And then is heard no more. It is a tale
Told by an idiot, full of sound and fury,
Signifying nothing.

Oh, Macbeth... you had it right all along.

--

so many things have happened since the last time i wrote. actually... the last semi-fulfilling day of of work occurred the last time i wrote.

& then wednesday came & i got laid off.
& that's all i'm going to say about that.

i've never been let go, or fired or whatever else you want to call it from a job before & it's been an incredible blow to my ego. actually, an incredibly huge blow. an incredibly huge, gigantic, life-shattering blow to my ego. all of the bells & whistles that go with that frilly language.

truth of the matter is, is that i am no longer working at the law firm.

& now i am on to bigger, better things.

it's funny the way these things happen. when tracy got laid off the first thing we did we huddle around to ensure the fact that she know she wasn't her job. she is a completely separate person from the work she's did there. this is not to say that i thought i was my job. let's hope that, that isn't true. id' like to think it's not. but i jumped into that job so quickly after graduating that it became difficult to distinguish who i was as someone completely separate from the free-spirited NYU college graduate because i had so quickly become a corporate monkey. maybe now is the time i'm supposed to take to figure everything out & as long as i can let my brain rest i'll be fine.

we also drank a lot when tracy got laid off. which i have definitely been doing.

but besides the self-pity & the copious amounts of alcohol has been the realization that i am always silenced with how amazing my family & friends are. i don't know what i've done to have surrounded myself with such supportive, protective & sympathetic people but i know that i have & i know that i couldn't be happier in that sense right now.

i was giving someone i know advice today who has been having girl troubles. he's been making the same mistakes over & over again with women & cars (typical, no?) & he actually asked what i thought to which i replied:

"dude, the only thing i know is that as soon as you stop looking for someone is when the right person comes along."

i've got to give major props to erle lately. tracy put up with me for a few hours on wednesday & then had plans... colby was in from Missouri & the whole family was off doing their own individual things. after working all day & dealing with the belt parkway he shows up at my house with a six pack of beer after i refused to take his calls because in my head i was upset that he hadn't called me all day.

so regardless of the fact that i ignored him, was sitting on my couch with a bandana on & my sweats he still comes into my house, sits on the couch next to me & listens to the same story i've told everyone a million times.

i've never been happier.
i've never felt more loved.
& this is all in the lieu of a position of financial security.
now it's mayhem & to be perfectly honest...

i could give a shit less...
cause i've got someone who loves me regardless
& FRIEND who will get down to take care of me anytime i need her to
& family who can make me laugh at my own situation.

i've got so much time now people... get excited.

I think my iPod is breaking... again

Decidedly, I hate the sounds of Manhattan... and Brooklyn. And people, it seems.

Last night I went to see Watchmen at midnight. These opening night movies always seem like a good idea but they always result in my zombification the next day. "sleeping" for 4 hours doesn't exactly put me in the mood to wake up, get dressed in an outfit i'm unhappy with and pile on to a train with smelly people that are 4-5 times my weight. i stood next to man today who's music was so loud that i could decipher the beats to the exact Jay-Z song he was listening to AND hear it clearly enough over the rest of the subway car's conversation about chris brown not entering a plea yesterday in court. not only was his music deafening, to me, he wreaked of garlic. at 830AM. i mean, i get it, i do. i'm an italian girl. i can throw down with some garlic. i use anywhere between 6-8 cloves when i make tomato sauce but HOT DAMN. seriously? and then you occupy the whole fucking pole in the middle of the subway car.

someone needs to figure out how to transport people like the jetson's. the tube i mean, not the little cars cause i'd definitely die, but those tubes... i wouldn't have to touch anyone, you could sound/water proof them so you wouldn't get wet when it rained and you wouldn't have to listen to other people's banter and shit.

i'm just bitter my pod didn't work this morning because i hate to listen to subway brakes & other people. a friend of mine at work told me once that she was never a morning person and then one day she switched and began to realize that the morning was her "friend". i need to make that switch because i'm virtually intolerable in the morning.

not virtually, i am intolerable.

you know what else has made me intolerable? the fact that all of the people i love the most are capable of getting into my head and staying there and completely disrupting the flow of things.

fact: i love erle.
fact: i am excited to live with him in june.
fact: i am absolutely petrified of living with him in june.
fact: the fact that i'm petrified and in love with him makes taking this risk and moving in with him and furthering this relationship worth it to me.

i'm an independent person and i've always done what i've wanted but there have always been times where i have put other peoples happiness in front of my own. i went to college and finished early, why? because my mother wanted me to. did it benefit me? yes. did i want to do it? no... in fact i went crazy after graduating because my brain kept telling me that i missed out on a whole year of growing and learning about myself. i pay the cell phone bill... for the whole family. i don't normally eat their dinner. i don't ever ask them for money. i don't ask them for ANYTHING, other than a place to sleep at night.

i'm 22 years old and it's about time that i start living for myself.

make my own mistakes and do my own stupid things.

this will be the greatest adventure, yet!