I think I'm going crazy...

"Panic attacks are very sudden, discrete periods of intense anxiety, mounting physiological arousal, fear, stomach problems and discomfort that are associated with a variety of somatic and cognitive symptoms"

What this should say is, "panic attacks are when your heart feels like it's going to explode & you become certain that you'll die of a heart attack."

For the last week, I've had the worst heart burn I've ever had in my entire life. I never get heart burn, so I suppose that statement isn't saying a lot. All I know is that it doesn't matter what I eat or don't eat, I still manage to feel my heart burning by the end of the day. I'm fairly certain an ulcer is developing because all my brain does is say, "hey fuck up, good job getting fired, enjoy collecting unemployment because you're destined to stay on it forever."

I am someone who had plans & goals. I should stop sounding so definitive. I AM someone who has plans & goals; unfortunately, they've all been put on hold for the time being.

I want to stop feeling so sorry for myself but I can't seem to help it. I want to say I'm chilled out & laid back but the truth of the matter is, I'm only that way in the presence of one other person & I think it's incredibly unfair for all of that responsibility to be put on one person.

Right now I'm trying to focus on my breathing in order to get this out & to relax but it's not working. Typically when these bouts with panic happen, I smoke a cigarette & take a bath. I've done that, I'm still shaking. I took Ruby for a long walk (please note the time of this post) & tried to breathe again but nothing is working, it seems. So now I'm writing, to the endless world of the internet in hopes that someone out there can be certain to say that I'll be all right.

I know I could call & wake you up, but it's not fair. You work all day & harder than I ever have & you deserve a night off. I love you, but it's true.

My fears include the following:
- I won't recover from this
- I won't move into the next exciting chapter of my life
- I won't find the fulfillment I'm ultimately looking for

I keep telling myself I hated that fucking job, because I really did. I never want to feel like I'm someone's bitch & that is exactly what I was at that job. Except instead of being one person's bitch, I was the bitch to 55 attorneys, 10 secretaries & an entire staff of people, some of whom aren't worth the ground my dog shits on, & yet I wish I were waking up at 8AM tomorrow to get on the 8:40 train into the office.

So maybe it's not the job that I miss, but instead, the routine & security.

Not maybe, certainly.

I just want the blows to my ego to stop because in my head, I feel like I'm going mad. All of this time I've spent building myself up & making sure that no one ever made me feel like I was worthless (yeah, that's right, throw back to the last time this happened but on a more personal scale -- who's reaching now, bitch!) but here I am again.

Feeling worthless.